The weight I feel in my heart and my chest
Is so crippling, that I can’t feel anything but this heavy weight.
As I try to keep my mind occupied, the only thing that is ever there,
That has always been there, is the thought of her.
Because I have grown and because I am wise enough to know,
that this happened for a reason.
I still hurt with every breath and every blink.
It isn’t getting easier yet.
I don’t see how it will for a while.
Staying in the present moment was something I was never good at,
But now, it is the ultimate gift that I am forced to cherish.
Her face is a record that won’t stop spinning in my head.
Her touch, a sensation I can feel when I close my eyes.
Her heart and her soul, the two things that touched me in places no one else could ever dare go,
I can’t feel them anymore.
No matter how hard I close my eyes,
hold my breath,
pinch my arm,
scream into my pillow,
cry until I can’t breathe anymore,
I can’t feel them.
The worst part is that I am starting to forget what they felt like and it scares me.
I am mending my wounds alone.
For myself, and only myself.
I will be better. Not next time, because there won’t be a next time.
But because I can be and because I should be.